Jovan, a Serbian/Australian staff member of a mid-tier firm in the city has been deploying tactical “Novak” length toilet breaks today to avoid having to reopen the wounds of last night’s Wimbeldon final.
After slinking into the office late, Jovan has alternated between sitting on the shitter for 15 minutes and putting on headphones and appearing busy. He told The Times,
“I knew the Wimbledon final was going to be the main water cooler chat today and honestly. I just can’t. Nole, my sweet Nole, how could that Spaniard do this to you! So yeah, I’ve been hiding out in the toilet just like my hero”
We spoke to one of Jovan’s colleagues who said the Serb got the upper hand on him when he tried to discuss the match while grabbing a leftover pastry from the kitchenette. He told The Times,
“I delivered a big serve as soon as he walked in. I yell from across the room, see the game last night Jovan? He wasn’t taking the bait and was just returning every question I had down the line. That’s until I brought up the 3rd set. That’s when he held his stomach and said he’d be back. Totally threw me off. My shit-stirring momentum was lost”
A few hours later, Jovan walked into a meeting, and before fully committing to a seat he overheard someone mutter “changing of the guard”. Clearly irritated, he announced he’d had Taco Bell last night and excused himself. A witness told The Times,
“He’s the best in the business at taking lengthy toilet breaks to get an advantage in the banter stakes. Make no mistake, if Novak had won last night, old mate wouldn’t have the worst case of the shits known to man. He’d have walked through the office with a Serbian flag crying in joy”
We spoke to Jovan who denied he was taking the piss with his lengthy toilet breaks today. Adding,
“I don’t understand why everyone is timing me. It’s not my fault they moved my office further away from the toilet! I get up and that’s when everyone starts the timer! Nole will rise from the ashes and win more Wimbledon finals than Federer by the way”
No doubt, Jovan no doubt.
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