A group of friends was forced to take executive action and de-tong a WA man after watching on in horror as he failed to splash a bit of his red can on the meat at a BBQ yesterday.
Formally described as a “mate” the man was not only unceremoniously de-tonged but also downgraded to “casual acquaintance” after several in the group questioned the man’s fitness to be 100m near a BBQ. Let alone cook for the entire group.
The mood of the BBQ became unbearably tense as the group questioned why the man didn’t add a little “Aussie seasoning” to the meat which is as much a blessing of snaggy-fleet kind of act as it is an important flavour enhancer. Todd, a witness at the scene told The Times,
“I knew something was wrong when he flipped the snags and they were just yearning for a splash. Absolutely primed and he did nothing. I sidled up to him and asked him if he was gonna give em a splash. He said why would I do that? Why waste beer?”
To make matters worse, the offender then attempted to block Todd’s attempt to add a dash of Aussie-umami to the hot plate. It was an aggressive act and was met with a chorus of silent judgement. Todd continued,
“Yeah he really did that. Couldn’t believe it. That’s not all though, he mistimed the onions to the point where they were practically raw by the time the snags were beerless and burnt. I think that was the last straw for Johnno. He lives for sausage sizzles, they are about the only thing that brings him joy after his divorce”
Indeed Johnno didn’t take it very well. Grabbing the tongs off the offender and demanding to know what shitfabrains taught him to cook a BBQ. He then said he didn’t know how to eat a sausage in bread without thoroughly cooked onions. He was lost, angry, and betrayed. Johnno told The Times,
“Pretty fkn simple mate. Sausage with a tinge of beer, bread, tomato sauce, and onion. Some of these guys add mustard but I’m old school. This prick robbed me of joy, I’ll go him”
After a thorough grilling, the offender started yelling at the group that the splash of beer adds nothing to the taste and it is all in their heads. It was later revealed that he was a massive cheapcunt and the thought of donating 10c worth of beer was too much for him.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?