Police are different down here – now back home you had it sweet. The local copper has watched multiple generations of your family navigate the perils of the local lockup. He’s also probably your uncle’s fishing mate. In Perth, you won’t get any chances if you decide to get buck wild and start cracking your whip after a night on the sauce. Beware.
Beer has gone and lost its damn mind – speaking of sauce, you will be exposed to some new and somewhat frightening developments in the realm of froffs. Craft beer has swept the metropolis by storm and you’ll even have to go to pubs that don’t stock Emu or Swan. Perhaps prepare by shoving a tube of sherbert in a beer and leaving it in the sun for a few days. More HERE.
See those blokes dressed just like you? They are not your friends – a classic trap. You may be wondering why there is a shitload of blokes kinda dressed like you. RMs, Chinos, Akubras you name it, the Terrace miners have appropriated it and don’t they look like fkn idiots. Steer well clear, big orse. More HERE.
Beware the UberEATS trap – you may have had a local chinese joint back home but the situation in the big smoke is perilous to one’s ING savings account. When you get home from the pub, consider burning a pie in the oven and masking it with half a bottle of tomato sauce. If you get sucked into the order-abyss you may never come out.
Only way to see the sky sparkle again is to get on the MD – the star situation in the city is bullshit but you can relive some of those starry-nighted memories by getting off your tits on some MD and be in awe of the Scitech dome’s lights as a taxi driver tries to rip you off on a lift back home from Northbridge. Basically as good.
It’s a suburban street, not a paddock with roos – woah there Captain Spotties. Calm the fark down. Unlike your neighbour’s paddock, you don’t need to be quite so alert to roos or whatever reason you’re packing that level of illumination. Tone it down a bit, our city eyes are soft and weak.
The no reception trick won’t work – back home you could probably ghost a failed date pretty easily by hiding out for a week and claiming your reception is rooted again. Sadly, Perth has pretty good reception unless you say you’ve spent the last 2 months in the Karrinyup shopping centre. That might work.
Prospective employers sadly don’t care about your records at the local footy club – perhaps the greatest injustice of all. When applying for a job you’ll have to accept that the interviewer isn’t fully across all your achievements. Like your longest torp or the time you won chase the ace and woke up 3 days later in a grain silo.
That’s a pet, not lunch – in Perth, people keep all manner of delicious beasts as pets. This is probably a bit of a foreign concept to you but you’ll have to get used to it. Remember, you can’t stop your neighbour’s goat from screaming by turning it into a delicious stew. He loves that goat man.
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Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?