East Freo resident Kyle feels like he’s kept a promise to himself for once after swapping out his usual Wednesday arvo 6 pack for 12 low-calorie White Claws after a swim at the beach. Kyle told The Times,
“Finally getting serious about my rig and my health. White claws have like half the Kilojoules of beer, haven’t you heard? Getting to that age where you have to watch the carbs ya know?”
Jason, a friend of Kyle, said he was stoked to see his mate finally take his health seriously and drink twice as many alcoholic soda water drinks than beers. He told us,
“Honestly, it was like drinking with the Fattest Loser’s Commando guy. Kyle has this white mamba mindset, drink lean and shit clean, he says. Apparently a complaint from the office about his toilet habits on a Monday morning triggered this health kick”
A girl who Kyle had the eye for had ignored him for over 2 years, while he sucked back pints at the pub. However, she saw a new, health-conscious man the other weekend. She told us,
“When I saw him he’d spent about $150 on various seltzers and I was so impressed he’d make the sacrifice for me. I know a pint and a White Claw cost about the same but you could tell he was doubling his drink intake for his health and for me, that’s really sweet, still left him on seen though because his mate told he was caught washing his dick in the sink after I invited him back”
We caught up with Kyle after his 12th White Claw, he was swaying unsteadily and firing off bold texts to his female Uni classmates. He told us,
“See with hard seltzer bro, you’re also hydrating as you drink. It’s so healthy, I used to drink 3 pints a night with the boys, now I just drink like 12 White Claws, I haven’t lost any weight yet but I reckon I will”
We understand that Kyle has also taken the unprecedented move of leaving half his chips with a parmi and having a glass of water between every 10th drink on a night out.
We asked him whether he enjoyed drinking hard seltzer, he told us,
“The key is just to keep telling yourself that it doesn’t taste that bad, like yeah kinda tastes like Toucan Sam’s watery jizz but you just remind yourself that for the health benefits of a few fewer KJs, it’s worth it and you love it, even if you do drink up to thrice as many, they just don’t get you that drunk man”
Lord can only help Kyle’s meteoric rise to bodily temple worship when he finds out about -196 Suntory’s not tasting like the watered down cordial the hyperactive kid had to drink at your year 5 party.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?