Welcome to the City that gets more bad raps than an Aussie Hip Hop concert. Mandurah – it’s better than COVID!
Getting There
You may be tempted to jump on the train to Mandurah. Who could blame you it’s practically brand spanking new! Resist this urge, as the Mandurah line is like a high-end escort with HIV, it might look beautiful from the outside but the real danger lurks inside. Rather than roll through the Southern shank belt opt for a car that can’t be stolen and used in a ram-raid.
Top Experiences in Mandurah
Retire – Mandurah is like the Florida of WA – nice weather, coastal living, inbreds and of course boomers spending their kid’s inheritances on a boat they don’t know how to use.
Just think back to Rex Hunt – when he wasn’t thanking your mother for rabbits for some weird reason he was inviting you down to retire down at Port Bouvard. If you need to spice up your retirement life why not try a little canal? 😉
Smart St Royal Rumble – ironically, the smart move would be to avoid this “entertainment” strip at night. All that is really missing from Mandurah nightlife is Mike Whitney dressed like a soccer umpire asking you if you’re ready.
It’s best to keep your eyes to yourself and stay off the radar of the numerous Jet Pilot bombers that patrol the area looking launch a strike. If you do manage to piss someone off you’ll be left wanting your money back like a Thomas Cook customer.
The quirky sign tour of Perth – what a treat for any international visitor you’re chaperoning. If you’re coming from Perth you’ll get to point out numerous “Cockburn” signs and then hit them with the main event – the Mandjoogoordap Dr sign on the Freeway.
Mandjoogoordap is the Noongar name for Mandurah and it’s not hard to pronounce but for you, it’s a chance to get lost in elocution madness and briefly forget you’re actually heading there.
Contract a blood-borne virus – Mandurah leads the way in blood-borne viruses. You can either get one while sampling the produce from the ice capital of WA or you can get one when you are eaten alive by the out of control mosquito population.
No matter how you do it, no one leaves Mandurah without a little prize and there’s always enough to share with the fam!
Fashion Trends
To really rock the estuary look you’ll need to shave your head, grow a disgusting goatee and then purchase the finest in speed dealer wrap-a-rounds from the servo – the holy trinity of aggro. Be sure to have your postcode tattooed to your neck.
Culinary Treasures
Mandurah is all about the crabs. You can catch em on a nightclub toilet or if you’re really keen down in the estuary. Of course, as many local crabbers know the secret to the perfect blue swimmer recipe is a sprinkle of fisheries violations. Pile up your bucket with undersized crabs and then act ignorant when you’re caught for the 7th time that season.
Testimonial
“Yikes” – Mark M