Become the perfect candidate to be “working from home” – the holy grail of quiet quitting is securing as many “work from home” days as humanly possible. After all, at home, you can strike up that perfect dgaf work/life balance. What’s the best way to do it?
Just become insufferable. Pick up some interests that you talk way too much about – ice baths, keto, your new love for cycling, or maybe the politics at your kid’s school. Anything really, just become the kind of person who asks to work from home and is returned a “sure” within 0.5 milliseconds. More on this guy HERE.
Get promoted – the easiest way to do fark all is to climb the ladder. Remember, shit rolls downhill buddy and you don’t get to the top just so you can lead by example or work hard or any of that bullshit.
Now the tricky part is getting promoted while you are quietly quitting. Fear not though, there are ways to trick even the savviest useless sack of managerial shit in your workplace.
Precision timing – nothing pulls the wool over lazy management’s eyes like perfectly timed displays of “hard work”. For example, a few 6 am or 10 pm emails from your work desk. Or alternatively, be the last to rock into work drinks.
Sounds like you’re committing a cardinal sin by doing that right? Not to worry, a few drops of your favourite bourbon in a can of Coke Zero will get you through those 15 minutes you’re googling your weekend plans while the other dumbarses fail to pull off a grand illusion of work.
Credit stealing – this one is fantastic for anyone that either hates who they work with or has no issues dogging others to get ahead. Either way, the office is a battleground and only the truly effort-allergists get ahead.
Swoop in to claim credit for ANYTHING you can. Once again, your lazy management isn’t going to dig any deeper so you’ll just have to live with the simmering resentment from your coworkers. Won’t be an issue when you get that working from home permit though!
The vague and unprovable chronic ailment – if for whatever reason your bum needs to be in your seat you can always pull a classic play from the admin workers’ playbook. Pick an ailment that really can’t be proven within the current boundaries of science.
Perhaps your nodes flare up under office air conditioning. Maybe it’s some kind of nerve pain that stops you from being able to photocopy. Whatever it is, make it vague enough that no one can disprove it and be dramatic enough that people will fear a FWA complaint if you push it. More on this skill HERE.
Be born into the family of the boss – much like being promoted this is the only sure way to quiet quit. Now it’s not very easy to be retroactively born into another family. Believe me, many have tried.
Regardless, if you’re serious about quiet quitting then you’ll find a way. Nepotism always wins, baby. Perhaps get in via marriage or become LIKE a son/daughter to them by brown-nosing so deep you’re dodging last night’s corn. More on nepotism HERE.
RELATED: Major Aussie Companies Fail To Merge After Party’s Perth Instincts Kick In – The Bell Tower Times
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?