As it turns out, 3 days of sinking more piss than the water sports category of your favourite greasy site can have a detrimental impact on one’s body. Especially with each day sitting in the glorious but moderately spicy mid-30s.
We understand several heavily hungover, volatile walking spewcanos have been spotted dragging their sorry arses from their accommodation to the ferry port. Grips on Powerades have never been tighter.
A keen local told The Bell Tower Times,
“You have to understand, they are already full of self-loathing because they are catching the ferry, to begin with. Especially some of these influencer types who couldn’t wrangle a boat. Honestly, seen sunnier dispositions in a colonoscopy waiting room”
Ben, a self-professed sesh monster, had managed to snare a little bungalow on the Island with his scaly mates. He thought he’d done the right thing by smashing the healthy choice of 20-30 White Claws per day.
He told us that despite his best efforts to choose the healthy path, he still arrived at the ferry looking greener than the grinch’s newborn’s nappy. He told us,
“Feeling pretty sorry for myself, I won’t lie. I’m badly sunburnt and the thought of that ferry bobbing up and down is already making me feel sick. Why am I like this?”
We spoke to Amanda who caught the 5 o’clock ferry. Her description of what she saw was truly harrowing,
“Have you ever seen a human try to hold their very soul in? Staring into the abyss, questioning every guttural noise that was emitting from their body. I can’t be sure but I think some young guy was praying for the sweet embrace of the forever box. He was looking fkn shithouse, mate”
To make matters worse, a local pisswreck who had spent his entire trip consuming beers had decorated one of the ferry’s toilets with a freeform expression of the inner angst of his bowels. It was by all accounts horrific.
A 20-year-old Perth girl caught a whiff of the natural disaster from her seat which sent her into an existential crisis about her current situation. Her only hope was a chunder but at what cost?
Unable to bring herself to use the tainted toilet, she just rocked back and fourth repeating “Liberate tutemet ex inferis” to anyone who made eye contact with her while her mind floated in a hopeless vacuum of her own poor life choices.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?