The sleepy town of Northampton is located a mere 5 hours North of Perth and while it boasts a fearsome reputation for producing footy talent it also hides a dark underbelly.
Harry Taylor, Patrick & Jamie Cripps, Chicky, JK, Haselby, and Lockyer all hail from the town which makes some wonder what they are putting in the water. Or more specifically, what’s in that baby gravy?
See, the town hides a seedy jizzum trade fuelled by despo footy parents who have worked out their kid isn’t going to be an AFL star based on their first season of AusKick. Loads are going from anywhere between $5k for a forward pocket to $35k for a midfielder.
Typically, prospective footy parents head down to the pub in Northampton to observe the bulls in the wild before making their selection. Thye typically are looking for speed, strength and leadership qualities – like who can single handedly skull drag a Toyota Hilux with a snatch strapped to their head.
We spoke to an anonymous donor who said he was paid $20k for his load after the parents saw him chase an out-of-towner who won the meat raffle down and tackled him for the prize. Adding,
“I wasn’t going to let these van life freaks get away with the meat on the night so I just done what any good Northampton boy would. Then this couple come up to me and say my hindlegs were amazingly strong. He stunk of a failed WAFL career and we went into the bathroom and did business”
We can report that the parents watched him belt out a generous tub of batter, insisting on watching as they didn’t want to be defrauded. Due to the 15 pints, the grubby deal took over an hour 45 with the couple agreeing to slide up a digit in his one-car garage to help things along.
We spoke with one such donor who said the couple were only farming wild Northampton loads out of desperation and they didn’t want to be judged. The feller told The Times,
“Look, I have a genetic disposition to being a bit of a spud. It’s hard to admit that but I passed it onto my first boy. He’s playing back pocket. Makes me sick because it’s my fault. Sure my next boy won’t have my eyes but he’ll be able to crash packs and rack up clearances”
Naturally, in any unregulated market, opportunists will prey on the weak. One such operation was shut down recently after it was discovered one large gent was making misleading claims as to his relation to the Cripps family.
We spoke to the man who exposed the fraudster,
“He gives legitimate Northampton bulls a bad name. What happens if parents start producing Northampton stock that can’t even kick a ball 50m? He’s a total hack and he had to be stopped. It devalues the loads of all the rest of us that can kick it 75m off a single step”
Health authorities are reluctant to act after being advised by the WA Government that Northampton ought to ramp up the production of its primary resource or face expulsion from Westralia.
If only the glory of WA footy.