Organisers of the first SOR Pub Car Park Shadow Boxing tournament have declared the event an “uncontested hit” after 10 of SOR’s fiercest closing time shadow boxers masterfully avoided landing a single blow.
Held across several SOR venues, the tournament was designed to test every element of what it takes to be a pisswreck shadow boxer showing off their stuff after getting kicked out of a pub. We spoke to the organiser who told The Times,
“When people think about pissed-up UFC wannabes at their local pub they probably just write them off as flops but a lot goes into becoming SOR’s best pub car park shadow boxer”
Unconvinced but curious we asked what it took to be the best and how the tournament tested that. He replied,
“The first stage of the competition is the posture & stare. A truly good shadow boxer knows they don’t even have to throw an air-punch to make someone piss. Then we move on to best arcing up chat. During this stage of the competition, we are looking for more creative threats and more menacing smiles before the main event”
Naturally, the main event is what everyone came to see and by all accounts a crowd of over 1000 was at the grand final. A solid 90% also wanted a piece of the winner if he thought he could handle ‘em.
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Ultimately, it came down to part-time gear merchant and bumbag enthusiast Drillson and seasoned old mate Stuey that claims to have punched the breeze in pub car parks from Meekatharra to Esperance.
Both put on terrific displays of blowhardery but Stuey came out the winner of the day. He told The Times,
“All these youngsters don’t know about proper technique because they’ve never had to shadow box a cobber away from their favourite bar stool. It’s all pageantry with them, pack of mongrel dogs the lot of em”
Drillson concedes that he lost to the better man and vows to triple his efforts from now on to hopefully have a chance next year. He says he can be a way bigger posturing tool but he needs a chance to prove it.
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