Jennifer always knew that simply believing she was better than other millennials wasn’t enough. She had to prove it. So you’d better believe you were going to hear all about her decision to lay off the sauce for a weekend and go for a 45-minute “hike” around Lesmurdie Falls.
She set the mood early with a 7 am pre-hike selfie in the brand new activewear she purchased for the event. She then lands a 5 punch smug combo on the face of everyone scrolling,
“Life always seems a little brighter when you wake up fresh 😉 you can keep your busy cafes, hangovers and city pollution, I’m off to explore, to live, and to unplug from social media. Try it some time hehe xo 🙂 🙂 🙂 #hikesperth #girlswhohike #hikelife #sowhatareyouwaitingfor #sheadventures #enjoyyourhangover”
For a girl unplugging from social media, she spends literally the entire stroll thinking about what she’ll post to social media after.
To maintain the illusion of superiority she doesn’t post anything whilst walking – that way everyone knows she is pushing her body to the extreme on the grade 2, 640m return trail.
Jennifer knows that a true hiker is always searching for something – a sense of peace, a rare flower or in her case, the best spots to force her partner to take majestic photos of her. Unfortunately, she loses her footing while trying to hold a yoga pose on a rock.
Eating shit and grazing her knee was entirely too much nature for Jennifer. She is inconsolable that she ripped her new tights after only getting 38 photos from the hike. What a waste of time.
She demands they return to the car and complains bitterly about each step. She fully understands the pain of a mountaineer who must scale down a mountain after breaking their leg. Needing a bit of Dettol is the new exposed femur.
Once back in the safe confines of her Subiaco townhouse, she gets to work boasting about her wholesome day on her socials. In reality, her experience was a 3 am whopper thrown together by a clinically depressed teenager but she’ll be selling the billboard whopper to her friends.
She creates a collage of the best photos her “partner in crime” managed to take including a photo of her grimacing in pain and holding her slightly grazed knee. Now time to add the cheese,
“Humans are so disconnected from their origins. Nature inspires us but also humbles us as I found out when I came off second best trying to conquer her beauty. I’m alright though, nothing can stop this girl when she’s on a mission! Nothing like smashing goals before most aren’t even out of bed hehe #builttough #bruisedbutstrong #whatsnext #hikeaddict”
She spends the day basking in her social media kudos but conveniently leaves out the part where she necked a bottle of Prosecco to deal with the pain of ruining her new activewear tights.
She finishes off the day with a “looking for recommendations” post for a trip to climb Bluff Knoll. Lord help the community if she does manage to commit to that. She’ll be trying to sell a studio the rights to turn her ordeal into a biopic after that climb.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?