Swaggering like a bloated Oompa Loompa that just negotiated a good unionisation deal for the Chocolate Factory, President Trump says his deal artistry could be used to repair a previously thought irreparable rift between England & Australia.
Of course, the king of falling asleep in tanning beds is referring to the infamous Jonny Bairstow stumping at the 2023 Ashes in England.
In an exclusive statement to The Times, Donald Trump states,
“People always tell me that Jonny Bairstow is a loser. They say, President Trump, Johnny Bairstow is a loser who should’ve stayed in his crease. Then my English friends, and I do have a lot of English friends, I know everyone in England, they are good people, they say it’s not in the spirit of cricket. I say, well, why have two losers when you can have two winners and when I’m done, you’ll be sick of winning. You’ll say, President Trump we don’t want to win anymore, it’s enough! The winning, it’s enough!”
After taking several Diet Coke breaks, the President began rambling about brokering a deal over vegemite scones and threats of militarised action. All normal stuff.
Naturally, Australian cricket fans are sceptical about the Presidential lunatics inane ramblings. With one punter telling The Times,
“I dunno if a deal is possible in these circumstances. I know Australia isn’t going to move an inch we used a law they invented to get them out! Cry me a farken river you limey freaks”
Similarly, the English say accepting defeat graciously within the laws of cricket is something they stand 110% against. With one fan adding,
“There’s a reason I’m on a no fly list to Australia for a while. I will literally never let this go. I will never forgive, I will NEVER forget, it’s not in the spiwit of cwicket, innit”
Trump certainly has his work cut out for him on this deal.
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