Move over spicy cough, the latest scourge facing this great mining State is the creeping influence of Eshay culture among Perf youths. At least according to a leaked Government report.
More and more, parents are finding their teenage children in possession of Nautica branded clothing, vapes, and most troubling Nike TNs – the official footwear of the Eshay lad.
To combat the influence of Western Sydney, the WA Government is imposing a 45% tax on Nike TN & AirMax brand shoes. Considered the fundamental glue that holds the Esh culture together.
But why is such drastic action needed? Surely a youth subculture isn’t anything to be feared? Well, we spoke to a mother of a newly minted Eshay who had a different perspective on it.
Lowering her head in a deep state of shame, a concerned Rockingham mother told The Times,
“He was such a nice boy but then he started listening to ONEFOUR & Spainan daily. Then he was coming home with stolen scooters. My new man told me that I’d raised a little Eshay turd. How did this happen to me? Why does he have a bumbag on all the time?”
Wiping away a continued stream of shame induced tears, she continued,
“He just hangs out at Rockingham Centro and writes his stupid “tag” on any surface he can. Last year he pissed his pants because he got homesick at a school camp. Now he calls himself the next Kerser”
We spoke to the teen, Tom, who says he’s respected on the streets of Rockingham. He sucked on a vape as the told The Times,
“Illchay adlayyyyy ya gronk. We just getting ashcay with the lads, you wanna get shivved by Perf’s realest or what?
Not everyone is happy about the tax. With local Harley enthusiast and LV manbag wearing idiot telling The Times,
“I need my AirMax to be fresh bro. Why am I associated with these little street rats? If I’m honest sales are down, I can’t be forking out for 45% marked up AirMax every week”
Similarly, a local police officer called the tax, “pointless” adding that over half the TNs you see on the street are bought by some rich white poser and ganked or just ganked from the source.
Either way, the Essayification of Perth remains a top priority of the Government. Perhaps for the greater good of society.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?