WA Police have swooped on a South Eastern suburbs property this morning after a tip-off from an anonymous source.
After executing a search warrant at 5 am, the police apprehended a young male with 3 cooler bags full of D’Orsogna which had been split up and divided into separate “baggies”. A clear sign of the alleged offender’s intent to sell or supply the contraband.
A spokesperson for the WA Police told The Times,
“Today is a great day for the community. 10kg of pure smoked ham destined for the schoolyard have been taken off the streets. We know every parent will be sleeping just a little sounder tonight”
To their shock, police also discovered pre-portioned cheese, loaves of bread, and a sandwich-toasting device in the room. There was no doubt this was a sophisticated operation.
After testing the seized ham, authorities were disgusted to see that the boy had cut the pure with random slices of polony. A method used by dealers to increase profits.
The boy’s father begged the waiting media for privacy as they fought tooth and nail to get this exclusive story. He preferred to talk to The Times however,
“My son deserves a fair trial and so what if he contravened health guidelines, they are guidelines! What is he guilty of? Supplying a meal, a succulent ham & cheese meal?”
We spoke to WA Health authorities who blamed the media’s sensationalised reporting on their guidelines for the problem. A spokesperson added,
“In their desperate attempt to stir up boomers, they have created a market for black market ham. There is a fear now gripping society that a kid will never be able to get their hands on a toastie again. Our intention was to make schools mindful of pumping kids full of processed, salty crap, ultimately it will be your tax dollars paying for these obese kid’s diabetes treatment before they are 15”
Now that Truly is FOOD for thought.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?