Crocs – given your admirable lack of shame, you’ll have no issues embarrassing others as you rock up to functions in your wildly inappropriate all-terrain footwear. That or a health professional.
Double pluggers – you’re two demerits away from a lengthy suspension but you’d push your mother down some stairs to get to another can of that sweet, sweet canned bourbon. You also value structural integrity.
Surfer Joes – you have reached a level of zen that Croc wearers only wish they had. Your toes look like you’re always prepared to audition for a LOTR remake. You’re cool with that.
Havaianas – trying to bring fashion into the thong game? You’re everything that’s wrong with the world. You single plugger-wearing, toe-pedicuring disgrace of a thong wearer. Your car probably smells ok during the summer.
Thongs & socks – despite your bowels begging you to stop you load up on a full English brekkie every single morning. Even if you think all the produce in Australia is disgusting convict-fare.
Birkeys – your big takeaway from Moses & The Red Sea yarn was how lit he looked in his sandals. You’re in a committed relationship with a matching birkey wearer and enjoy lengthy supermarket discussions on which artisan yoghurt to buy. That or you didn’t get the marks for UWA law but you did for ND. More on the Birkey life HERE.
Slides – some of the least dynamic footwear in the game. Nothing screams “I’ve shuffled between my bong and my Playstation all day” more than a pair of slides. You probably have clean floors though.
Nike Air – you’re either a 33 year old hanging onto his youth with Airs and a cool receding-hairline-covering-cap or you’ve got a decent 100m lead on that police dog that’s very interested in what’s in your bag.
Nike TN – you have committed to the petty crime lifestyle and now sit on the throne as a certified Eshay. Taking inspiration from Western Sydney your main skills in life are pedalling awful sticks and staunching school-aged students at trainos. More on TNs HERE.
Red Nikes- heavy is the ankle that wears the crown. You aren’t just an Eshay you’re a certified menace to society, apparently. You also can’t dance with Benny C at Bar 1 appearances. So rethink your lifestyle, bah. More HERE.
Adidas Superstars – you wanted people to know you still have a modicum of “urban” in you but you can’t be associating with the Nike crew. So you’ve chosen to express your unique personality the same way everyone else have. Playing it safe, nice.
ASIC Gels – always trying to run away from your problems aren’t ya? Nothing turns you on more than an early morning Jacob’s Ladder selfie on a freezing weekday morning. You probably take hydration a bit too seriously.
Vans – you don’t skate but you do disagree with everyone’s taste in music. You like to remind people that you’re still hip. Still with it. After all, you’ve done lines with at least 4 bass guitarists while volunteering at festivals.
Converse – you like that retro look as much as you like shattering people’s eardrums with random outbursts of quirkiness. In short, you can be a bit on the loud side. You spend your life keeping those bad boys white.
New Balance – it was confusing when New Balance got into popular sneakers but that didn’t bother you did it? You’re ballsdeep in dadhood and love nothing more than the smell of freshly mowed grass and enjoying a Crown Lager on special occasions.
DC/Etnies/Globes etc – you’re not allowed within 100m of a skate park anymore. Not that you skated anyway. You just liked buying booze for kids who were still impressed with your graff skills. More on the king of the Bunbury skate park HERE.
White faux-leather dress shoes – you have the same suit that you wear to the races, weddings, and the Magistrates Court. You’re no stranger to a Volcom belt or jet lighter either. You’ve been seen on TV passed out at least 4 times.
Doc Martens – possibly a bartender or possibly an artist that lives with 12 other people in Bayswater because you spent all your rent money on your boots. You will also have strong opinions on music and social issues.
RM Williams – you’re a St Georges Terrace mining engineer who sees Twiggy as not just a god but a fashion icon. You love doing bags in a box at the Wallabies game and you regularly ask bouncers if they know who you are. More on RMs HERE.
Blundstones – You’re no stranger to making a mess of yourself at a front bar and believe the no boots past 7 pm rule is discrimination.
Timberland – you saw all those cool rappers wearing them and figured your feverish dedication to the Aussie hip hop scene has earned you a ticket on the Timbs-ride. Go get ‘em slim Shady.
Stilettos (expensive) – fair chance you have your au-pair’s passport locked up in a special safe. It’s for her own good after all, darling. You buy prime ribeye for your dog and would happily see someone deported if they scuffed your heels.
Stilettos (cheap) – you’ve almost certainly used them as a weapon before. No doubt next to a faux-white leather dress shoe wearer in the general admission area of Ascott. You don’t know how to speak at a reasonable level.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?