Perth CBD
You’re an after works drink specialist. Your interests in life include wearing your lanyard outside office ours, handing our business cards and ensuring your R.M Williams are buffed better than your competition.
You never actually enjoy yourself because due to the constraints of the corporate credit card you’re forced to socialise with other people from work who you literally can’t stand.
Northbridge
There are essentially two types of Northbridge revellers – freshly minted 18 year olds with no sense of party-direction and menaces to society who are no longer welcome at their outer suburban watering holes for obvious reasons.
You’re not out for a classy time, you’re out to get loose and that’s one of the cornerstones Westralia was built on.
Fremantle
You have been cast aside by your former Perth friends and now bitterly embrace a new social life in Freo. You spend your time convincing yourself that Fremantle indeed “bounced back” and will corner anyone at any social function to tell them about it.
If it isn’t your first rodeo you probably still bear the scars of the glory days of Freo and the thought of a Metros – HJs – taxi rink trifecta still gives you a 1000 yard stare.
Scarborough
You’re Irish, Brazilian or a fully grown Turbo who is mentally still stuck in the Stereos era. Scabs is all about being seen by the types of people who would cold-contact you after 10 years of graduating high school to offer you an exciting opportunity to sell Isagenix or some shit.
If all goes well, you don’t need your arm twisted to take the party back to the villa you blow all your money on to have a little pippy party.
Beaufort St
You’re either a greasy backpacker fleeing the hecticness of Northbridge or you like to think of yourself as a cut above the rest on the sophistication scale.
Despite this high opinion of yourself, you likely end up in a similar state to the “undesirables” you like to post about after you catch them walking past your house at night on your fancy CCTV. It’s OK when you’re paying $25 for a cocktail, after all.
Leederville
Despite Leedy’s history being a cage-dancing, kebab throwing, loosey goosey vomitorium, it is now an influencer’s dream. The sort of algo-brained smoothbrains that say the “night is like a movie” because they bought a jug of Pimms.
Not to worry, all those story posts of your flash night out will help distract you from the $550pw you’re paying for a nearby shitbox that was built back when mould was considered a “feature”.
Subiaco
Legend speaks of you but most people in Perth has never actually met anyone that calls Subiaco their destination of choice for nightlife. You don’t like the hustle and bustle of crowds or atmosphere and that’s valid.
You know that deep down in your heart you are just waiting for the great pint-war to start raging again. Hang in there slugger, it’ll happen one day.
Victoria Park
You either like very spaced out pub crawls or more likely you are an insufferable foodie that relishes in commandeering every dinner you’re at with stories of better food you’ve had in more exotic locations you’ve been.
That or you’re a level 5 old mate who hasn’t missed a day at Franklins in 20 years. There isn’t much in between.
The Cas
What can be said about you that couldn’t be said about a high-end toilet seat – fancy but still a great chance of transmitting something nasty. In all likelihood, you are down for a bogan anniversary “staycation” or a got-parole celebration party.
You’ll no doubt spend 80% of your visit in the vaping area talking about which current MMA fighters you could make piss.
Claremont
While people who go out on Beaufort St or Leedy think they are better than everyone you KNOW you are better than everyone. Every bouncer in the City still knows your family name from your youth days.
You never did get anyone sacked but by Goerge you could’ve! Don’t they know who you are?
Hillarys
Are you a chav? Are you an eshay? Are you looking down the barrel of a statewide barring notice for attempting some kind of act involving a glass? Probably.
Although, after a certain red shoe ban you probably moved onto the greener pastures of Joondalup.
Joondalup
You like to order a “pin’o’lager” and then let the barkeep fill out the important missing details like brand. You like to discuss how Australians don’t do pubs properly while precisely being the reason people would avoid a pub in Perth to begin with.
It’s tough work but someone has got to do it.
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