A Perth man launched into unadulterated fist pumping at the Woolies self-checkout today after the machine prompted him to round up his order for charity.
This was despite the fact that he spent well over a day’s wage on some sad-looking snags, a bag of potatoes, and a selection of vegetables that should last him a solid 2 days. He told The Times,
“Having a corporation that made as much money as Woolies ask you to donate is so heartwarming. It’s like they are inviting you to the big boy table as a fellow BALLER! Man, I couldn’t say YES fast enough. I want to do another shop just so I can give more of the money I don’t have”
So enthused by his experience, the man decided to message his mates in a group chat to alert them to this opportunity. A mate told The Times,
“I don’t think I’d ever seen him so stoked. He told us that the dogs making billion-dollar profits were asking the very shiteaters they are squeezing to donate so they can look good in the eyes of that very same public. Wild!”
After his suggestion, his mates raced down to their local Woolies to make unnecessary purchases just so they could get into the spirit of giving.
One mate bought enough frozen veggies to fill a chest freezer and despite being very keen to get home and eat the overpriced, bland peas he had to feel the rush of the self-serve checkout first. He told The Times,
“When the prompt came up I gave the bloke next to me a high five. I asked him if he wanted to select yes at the same time as me. We did it and then went out for a beer. The experience really bonded us. How special”
There you have it. Cheers Woolies, you are doing the lord’s work.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?