You can imagine how much of a giga-chud Simon felt like using an inferior drink bottle for the past 30 years of his life. He even looks back on his life and recoils in horror at the memories of going and grabbing a glass of water from the tap. Like a peasant.
Well, those days are no more. Simon levelled up to a Yeti Rambler. So don’t call it a god damn water bottle. It’s a rambler and it has insulation powers mere hydrating mortals like you could ever dream of. He told The Times,
“Don’t worry I used to be like you. A H2-no. Now I’m a H2Woahhhhh. Do you even realise how cold my drink stays ALL day? I’m talking for 8 hours. Freezing cold. Check it out, the ice hasn’t even melted. Can your drink bottle do that? You sicken me”
One shudder to think how difficult life would be for an office worker without the ability to carry around 1.4L of water like some sort of camel with a metallic hump. That water cooler could be out of order! The horror. His housemate told The Times,
“Don’t fkn talk to me about that damn water bottle. Well don’t, Simmo you spent like $60 on a water bottle. He doesn’t even do enough around the house to work up a sweat but you better believe he’s lugging that rambler around with him. It’s not the Kimberley mate”
It’s safe to say that Simon has let the water bottle go to his head. Not only has he nearly bankrupted himself by buying every product Yeti makes but he has now updated his Tinder profile to make it clear he’s only seeking to lock lips with a girl who puts hers on a Yeti. He told The Times,
“Deep down I think I just need someone as susceptible to popular trends and marketing as I am. It’s not just a rambler it’s a status symbol. It literally makes me better than someone drinking out of a **smirks shiteatingly** a Pump water bottle”
We cut the interview short before he had a chance to drag his Yeti esky in and make us guess how long the ice had been in there. Admittedly, is a top feature of an esky but really unnecessary for 1.4 whole litres of bloody water.
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Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?